Medical Chaos
by house81
Summary: It's just normal everyday Chaos at the hospital
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own House

* * *

Wilson went into Annie's room. He was saddened that this young woman was dieing and yet there was nothing he could do. Actually there was plenty but he was just too lazy to try so he informed the patient that she was dying and that she could try lam-radiation treatment but it wouldn't makeany difference; they agreed that it was a big waste of time. 

Meanwhile, House was in a nice fancy lounge he had just got kicked out of, but came back into, because we all know that he'll never learn his lesson. Anyway he was watching the O.C on a big screen t.v and trying to avoid clinic duty, while complementing weather to break into his duckling's supply closet and steal his hair gel or not. He decided in the end not to because it was evident that Chase didn't have a backbone unless you make him confront his father or a random person stole his hair gel. Wilson still had the black eye because House had tipped to the Aussie that Wilson had a whole cabinet full one time.

* * *

Foreman was in the patient's room trying to calm him down after having accidentally causing the patient to have a severe allergic reaction to the ibuprofen that had been noted in the chart three times. It was completely pointless either way to get Foreman to actually give the right medication to a patient. Number one, being that he is totally arrogant and therefore wants to take his own history. Next when he doesn't he trys to right it between the margins thus making the nurses doodle in the spaces so that he can't. Last they have to circle it six times to get him to actually see it. As it turns out, he called a nurse a very dreadful word making her circle it three times instead of six, resulting in the patient to have itchy rashes.

"I'm sorry Vogler, but the good news is that your not going to be dying anytime soon," Foreman added noting in the chart the word goner.

When a doctor notes a patient a goner, it's usually one of two things. The patient is dead or is going to die whether they recieve treatment or not. Foreman put it in the chart sorely out of the fact that he didn't want to treat the guy.

"See you do everything your boss tells you to," Vogler shouted.

"I don't know what your talking about," Foreman feigned stupid, (which was incredibly easy for him to do since he technically was called that on a daily basis and was seen doing idiotic things to rival Chase).

"He told you to do this," Vogler shreiked pointing at his rashes.

Foreman took the hint- and gave Vogler more ibuprofen.

* * *

Chase was mildly displeased with the number of children coming into the clinic today. He also ran out of hair gel and found out about Wilson's fetish for stealing it. He had found out not an hour ago after punching Wilson that it must have been because it started with a 'J'. Wilson married people who began with the letter J so Chase kindly gave him one bottle of his hair gel as an apology present because he wasn't just going to apologize, that was too easy.

"Name," Chase asked the third little girl coming in that day.

"Angelina Jolie," The girl stated.

"Did she shrink," Chase asked the mother.

Obvious to all the doctors but himself, Chase's power of deduction was slow. So slow in fact, that it took him three whole days to realize that House did things to him as entertainment and indeed not to be his friend. It was the same for these little girls.

Noting the rash on the girls elbow, Chase was sure she must be psycho, therefore, sending her to the third floor with the psych people.

It was when there was ten little girls with rashes and the other five coming back from the psych ward through the ER that Chase concluded that it was an epidemic and therefore told Cuddy who was displeased and went to solve the problem with interns and alot of swabs.

* * *

To be continued... 


	2. Chapter 2

House, finally being out of the other lounges was in the conference room berating Cameron for her hideous coffee. It had been hectic the other day and now that the crazines was over, they all settled for a case, or what Cuddy said was a case anyway. Arguing with that woman was like asking for clinic duty so House hadn't argued.

"We have a case of a five year old with diabetes," House started.

"No we don't," Chase interrupted.

"What do you mean," House asked suspicously.

He had known for some time now that Chase had problems with putting peices together. He probably thought they had another sponge for a patient again, house thought. Cameron and Foreman shook their head stimuately at Chase's niavity.

"Our patient came in with diabetes but it turns out we're treating him for alcoholism," Chase explained as if House really cared and everything was hunky dory.

"How did that kid become an alcoholic," Cameron asked suprised.

"His dad confessed to giving him gin all the time," Chase answered waiting for House to comment.

He didn't. All well, maybe if he kept it up, House will tell him what a good job he did, Chase thougt. It was doubtful, however, because only really cared about his vicodin and contrary to Wilson's belief, only that.

"Treat him for alcoholism and then come back and I'll tell you the story of the little doctor that couldn't," House told them.

Foreman nodded and headed out only to be beat by Cameron who wasn't going to let him treat the kid. It seemed that ever since Foreman's illness, he was extremely braindamaged.

"What do I do," Chase asked no one in particular as both him and House watched the other two like it was some kind of relay race.

"Make me some coffee," House grunted and seeing Chase's hopeful look added, "Please?"

Chase happily complied and House forgot all about using his manners over the great cup of coffee in his hand.


	3. Chapter 3

After a certain diagnosis in which Cameron was convinced she was right and that the ethical delemma was that they had to treat him slowly, she went to the prison where the guy was.

"What have I got doctor," he asked.

"lonelyitis," Cameron answered.

"And what's the cure," he asked stupidly.

"Marry me and you'll be better," Cameron answered.

Just then he slumped over the pillow and died.

"Drats I just have took this slowly," Cameron said.

She talked to the guard about the type of funeral they were going to arange and since the guard wanted her number, he feigned cancer. He really believed she was worth all of the lying.

* * *

Chase was with a patient and was taking his time in telling about the cancer and the alziemer's. People usually mistaked it with him being a retard but he just did that to get on the patients review and the highest ratings at that.

"You have cancer," Chase said slowly.

The man stared at him.

"You also won't remember a thing I say come two months from now," Chase continued.

The man nodded. It wasn't his fault that the doctor didn't know he couldn't speak english. Chase nodded and motioned for him to leave. He was doing pretty good.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own House

* * *

Foreman was in the conference room looking through all sorts of colorful magazines. The others raised their eyebrows but other than that, didn't bother to find out what he was looking at. It just so happened that Foreman was looking through an asortment of coffins and was trying to find one that would fit a big big fat guy without anything function being torn or broken. 

It was very bad however because there were only normal sized coffins sadly and it looked like he would have to keep Vogler alive for a little while longer.

"What ya looking at Foreman," Chase asked.

Foreman hated his curiosity. They never knew anything about him and yet he expected them to answer stuff about them. He wondered how much Chase actually knew but he decided he wasn't going to tell him, what with the patient-doctor confidentualty. So instead he ignored him hoping he would disappear.

Instead Chase started humming and being annoying, so Foreman went to deck him but it seemed his coworker finally took the hint because he left.

He went back and started to read his magazines for any special made ones.

* * *

Chase ran to elevator wondering where the other two were because his beeper had gone off and as it turned out, it was another trick from the nurses to try to get his number again. He didn't get angry however because if they wanted his number, that meant they liked him right? He never thought that the reason they wanted his number was to try to get into his pants so that they could brag, but then he never thought. His thinking was very limited. 

He was heading back to the conference room when a crashcart came flying out of nowhere and in order to get away he moved, but he tripped and fell down the stairs.

The nurses then had a big argument over who would give him a cast that ended in a cat fight.

* * *

House was annoyed that they didn't have any cases but that was only because he wanted to harrass his employees. Other than that he was enjoying Wilson's lunch for the third time in this past week. Wilson was a terrible oncologist but made it up by being a great chef. He needed to learn how to cook so he could do more than just boil water until his stove popped. Speaking of which, he needed a new stove and it wasn't going to get replaced by themselves. 

He also knew a clinic patient who was a merchandise guy, so he limped to go sought him out.

* * *

"I'm great and giddy," Cameron told the guard. 

After an hour or so, the guard actually began to regret faking cancer to get into her pants. She was crazy and obviously was on something or needed a mental institution. Right now she was talking about boy friend number what-was-it-again. She talked about so many boyfriends that he lost track of time.

When Cameron turned to tell him about how he died, she was shocked to find out that the guard shot himself.

"Dang, he died. Why do they always do that," She asked herself tearfully.

* * *

Wilson was talking to another one of his cancer patients that was obviously doomed from the start. She had some type of rare cancer that he was too lazy to look up and diagnose. Diagnostics was House's job and as long as it was, he was not going tell what they had.

"You munch munch Have munch munch munch Cancer," He explained while he munched on some papa John's pizza.

The woman looked shocked.

"This is good you should try some," Wilson added.

The woman looked startled for a moment and then went to the door and shouted," Everyone free pizza, Wilson's buying!"


	5. Chapter 5

House had all the ducklings gathered around the library after seeing Vogler for the first time in the hospital, which was a suprise because he had been in his room at least five times watching t.v and eating pizza. He had even gotten sauce on him by accident and didn't even notice. It said alot about the amount of time House paid attention; if it was important to him or if it was big, he remembered. If it was something like clinic duty or a survey on a routine checkup, he forgot.

"Okay so Cuddy doesn't see us, we're having a party because Vogler is in a coma," House told them.

It was smart because the library in the hospital was the last place that House knew that Cuddy would look and he wanted his ducklings to be part of it because he knew they hated Vogler too, maybe not Chase but he was willing to forgive him since Vogler was not awake and all.

"He's dead House," Chase stated.

To the suprise of all of them, House started to cry. No it was worse than worse.

"Volgler come back, why have you forsaken me! I thought we were good to hate each other and kill each other. Who is the evil person who killed you so I couldnt' pull the plug!"

Foreman felt bad about pulling the plug that morning but he finally found a coffin. Hey it was made of styroform and it was cheap, but that was the only one that came in an extra large and the bonus was that it wasn't inexpensive. House finally stopped crying at last and noticed all of them looking at them.

"I'm good, let's party because now I could take over his company and test all his new high tech drugs on Chase," House added.

"But I don't have cancer," Chase argued.

"WILSON! Give him cancer," House yelled.

Along with Wilson came Cuddy and she was pissed to find out that Vogler died without putting her in his will.

"Why are you yelling! Nobody yells in my hospital," Cuddy yelled. "Nobody but me!"

House was gone and the only one she was looking at was Cameron who had a dopey look on her face.

"I'll come back later," Cuddy said and left in a hurry.

Cameron smiled at Wilson and he ran off fast.

* * *

A young mother crawled into the hospital with her baby girl and then handed it to a suprised House.

"Take care of our child for I am going to die," she said.

"No you're not, here take her back," House handed the baby back and the mother shoved her right in his arms with alarming force that he froze.

"Take her and love her. Goodbye," and then she died.

"You have my eyes, can you walk with my cane too," House asked stupidly.

* * *

Foreman went bye with a guy who he was determined to be his next patient. So the guy didn't have anything wrong with his brain but he was black and very friendly. He also loved the same soda pop as he did. He was glad to have this patient although in reality, Cameron should have the patient because it was something wrong with the immune system but he was selfish and wasn't going to let that happen.

Plus he ordered a normal sized coffin and guy would be extremly pleased with the funeral he had already set up. He hoped the guy liked it too from where he was going. He already handed out little ghost invitations and all he had to do was give him something to make him braindead and then he could do everything else. His mother and father cried on the phone but his sister was happy to make a ghost cake, something about hating him for wearing her teddy bear pajamas Foreman guessed.

"Okay you need a high dose of radiation, have fun," Foreman said and pushed him in the room

It is safe to say that the guy will never wake up again.


	6. Chapter 6

House was extremely excited despite the fact that it turned out that the little baby couldn't walk with a cane like him. In fact all the little baby girl seemed to do was eat, sleep, cry, and poop. House didn't care because he was going to teach her to be a nuisance to people.

At the moment she was in a high care at the conference table and Chase and Foreman were observing the small child.

"Did Cameron shrink," Chase asked out of the blue.

Foreman wacked him on the head wishing he could plan his death like he did with the sister's patient. The funeral had gone as the young teenager had hoped it would and thanked him for successfully ending the pain's life. He got a sucker for the good work and was still secretly complalining for the lack of being paid for being the guy's doctor. He couldn't just take her to court because there had been no contract. He cursed mentally and decided to remember in the future to get their agreements in writing.

"No she didn't shrink, my old girlfriend-wait I don't know who that woman was but the baby is my daughter named Elise," House added grinning ear to ear.

He had gotten the name from a list of others consisting of Apple, May, Fairyweather, and Gurgle. Elise seemed a lot better although he would have gone with Gurgle as a second. Oh well I could use it as a middle name, House thought.

Just then Cameron came in and House ahed Chase's stupidly for thinking that Elise looked anything like Cameron. He finally decided to get to the point.

"Guys and girls, this is our new co-worker," House said.

"House she's a baby, she can't be a doctor," Cameron argued.

As usual, Cameron argued the morals and ethics surrounding a discussion. House cleared his throat.

"Sorry but she's better than you guys. Since Monday we've had an epidemic of small girls, Vogler, that one patient, and the lunch lady. I purposely gave her gin tonics because she makes sucky food though so that doesn't count," House added.

"But House, that was probably due to Chase thinking that they had shrunk or had grown too big their normal size," Cameron wasn't going to give up now.

"Vogler had a medication allergy and it was given to him. It's not fair because I wanted to hit him on the head with my cane. The unknown dude had too much radiation which still isn't fair because only I could mess with that machine," House rambled.

Chase took the opportunity to cut in.

"My dad's coming," he said pointedly.

"Why," House asked swiveling his chair around.

"I'm not supposed to know but someone sent me a big email that said my dad is coming," Chase answered with a shrug.

"Oh so pretend to be suprised when he gets here so you don't hurt his feelings," House went to change the subject but Chase continued.

"And he said he's going to Wilson about cookies or something, I should have known he hated me. Let's face it, he came to see him instead of me."

"As sad as that is, No one is interested!" House turned the subject to boring matters such as his baby and everyone groaned.

* * *


	7. Chapter 7

Rowan sauntered over to the whole team wondering about the case they had. Yes for once House wasn't in some lounge annoying the doctors from the other departments and lazily watching t.v. They had a case and it was a twelve year old boy named Gabe.

"Yellow son," Rowan called out.

Chase was just about to reply when he remembered that he was supposed to act suprised and so he was going to give a look of suprise but ended up hitting the shelf behind him and fainting.

"I'm sorry, I guess he's really suprised," Rowan said sadly.

House rolled his eyes.

"What about the patient, I wanta keep my reputation unlike you," he exclaimed.

Rowan as well as the remaining two that weren't on the floor with a big bump on the head looked shocked.

"How did you know about that," he asked softly.

"Please, the front page said Rowan had a lobotomy," House called out.

"No I have cancer," Rowan corrected.

At that both Foreman and Cameron fainted.

"See now my team is unable to come up with anything good to diagnose," House complained.

"Try arthritis," Rowan asked.

"Good I'll try all these medications and see's what sticks. Thanks, it seems a perfect plan," House said before stopping on his team and out the door to find a random nurse to do the honors.

* * *

"Cuddy, at least we saved the kid," House complained.

"No buts House, First that and now I have this very stupid pig in my office," Cuddy whispered.

House looked shocked.

"Cuddy that's Vogler, shouldn't you remember, you hired him," House pointed out.

"You're right I'm going crazy. Today I saw a baby as a doctor in the clinic," Cuddy said sighing.

House looked anywhere but her. In truth he let his child see the patients sometimes but it stopped when she cried and the patient dropped dead.

"Don't worry, just a none sense hallucination," House said.

"I should stop taking the acid," Cuddy added as an afterthougt.

Vogler did another woop now standing on her desk and House blinked then quickly left out the door before Cuddy revealed any other scary things that he never knew.

House swore that these people were just crazy before falling down the stairs and getting a sprain. It really hurt and he went to Wilson afterwards and demanded his precious vicodin to make it better.


End file.
